


anything but

by MsMaarvel



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Divergent, Confessions, M/M, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 04:14:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13539483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMaarvel/pseuds/MsMaarvel
Summary: He could’ve died.He needs to get more powerful. Being defeated by a lowly imp could not have been more embarrassing, and he really needed to stop owing Nott life debts. He only had one, after all. But there is one problem.He isn’t brave.





	anything but

**Author's Note:**

> hoo boy i wrote this listening to the lord of the rings soundtrack and bruno mars so take from that what you will

Caleb reclines back in his chair, tilting to a probably-dangerous angle, and swings his feet up on the table provided in their room at the inn. He has papers and his few possessions spread out before him on the table, set a careful distance from his propped feet.

 

Covering his face with his hands, Caleb sighs deeply and closes his eyes. It had been such a close call against Kylre. Nott, as if he didn’t owe her enough, had not only risked her own life for his, but returned him to consciousness in what had to be the nick of time.

 

He could’ve died.

 

He needs to get more powerful. Being defeated by a lowly imp could not have been more embarrassing, and he really needed to stop owing Nott life debts. He only had one, after all. But there is one problem.

 

He isn’t brave.

 

Studious, awkward, disheveled, and a plethora of other things surely, but simply not brave. Thinking back to the encounter, he shivers at just the memory. It still scares him. Sleep, usually his friend, has been evading him almost completely. Any time he could manage to get some shut-eye, he is thrown awake with the memory of the imp’s stinger plunging its way into his side.

 

Caleb is surrounded by brave folk, Nott especially, but also Fjord, who managed to intimidate the beast and completely destroy it. He had been so brave, and Caleb wasn’t conscious to see any of it. He had to hear tales from the others of the amazing way his sword grew barnacles as he leapt into the fray against Kylre.

 

Maybe Fjord could teach him to be brave.

 

The door to his room, left unlocked for Nott, slams open. Startling Caleb and interrupting his line of thought, Jester rockets into his room as he rocks further back in the chair. Falling into an unceremonious heap, Caleb hears raucous laughter.

 

“Ouch…” he grumbles, looking up from his spot splayed on the floor to see Fjord in the doorway. Jester’s hands were touched together covering her mouth from her position in the middle of the room. “Yes?” he prompts, making no move to change positions, let alone stand.

 

At least Fjord had the decency to look apologetic. Stepping forward, he holds out his hand. Grasping it, Caleb is met with warmth. After pulling Caleb to his feet, Fjord retracts his hand. Much too soon, in Caleb’s opinion.

 

“ _Yes?_ ” he prompts again, shifting his feet and trying to get his mind off of Fjord’s warm hands.

 

“Caleb!” Jester finally bursts out in her typical fashion, “You are joining us for dinner, yes?”

 

“I… guess.” He might as well now, his pride may be ruined after that tumble but his stomach agreed that joining the others for dinner would be best. “Where’s Nott?”

 

“With Beau.” Fjord supplies an answer. “They headed down already. Jester and I told her we’d see if you’d like to join the rest of us.”

 

Packing his books and notes away quickly, Caleb clarifies, “I think I would.”

 

Shuffling behind the other two, Caleb barely notices when Jester falls in step with him. The pair are a few feet behind Fjord as they make their way down the hallway towards the stairs.

 

“You like him?” the question, like many things seem to be lately, is startling to Caleb.

 

He jolts, head inclining close to Jester as they continue walking. “Please. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

 

“Fjord, silly.” she continues, oblivious to his avoidance. “I saw you now. I’ve seen it for a little bit already, actually. I think he-”

 

“Jester _please_.” Caleb insists, trying to get her to drop it.

 

She does, but not without a pout she put on any time they made eye contact through the entire meal with the party.

 

* * *

 

It’s the middle of the night and Caleb jerks awake for the third time, gasping and flailing about, kicking Nott in the process and knocking Frumpkin from his perch on Nott’s curled shoulder.

 

Nott wakes to a mess of feathers, snarling at the unwelcome kick and leaping onto Caleb’s leg.

 

“Wait wait wait wait wait-” Caleb murmurs as non-threateningly as possible, laying still until Nott understands the situation. “It’s just me, Nott. Caleb. It’s Caleb.”

 

“Caleb?” Nott’s voice is small, barely a whisper.

 

“It’s me.” Caleb assures gently.

 

“Oh, Caleb! I”m sorry im so sorry I’m so so sorry I shouldn’t have done that I just… I just…” she rubs her eyes and yawns, cutting herself off. “I didn’t know it was you and I just bit you when I shouldn’t have.”

 

“It’s alright, Nott. I promise.” Caleb soothes, reaching out to pat her shoulder. “I apologize for kicking you. I had another nightmare, you see.”

 

“Another?” Nott gasps. She rummages through her meager belongings for just a moment, but not finding what she needs, she tosses her bag to the side. “Do you want me to get something for it?”

 

“No. I don’t think that’s really it.”

 

Caleb’s thought process is interrupted by a knock at the door and a muffled voice on the other side he couldn't quite hear.

 

“It’s Fjord!” Nott recognizes, scurrying to the door and opening it.

 

“Is everything alright in here?” Caleb’s eyes register falchion before he registers the fact that Fjord wears proper sleepclothes. Falchion is held at the ready, and Fjord is tense surveying the scene that is Caleb and Nott’s room. “We heard noises.” Mollymauk peeks from behind Fjord and Caleb properly processes the situation.

 

“Y-yes, everything is fine.” Caleb mutters, looking to the floor. He most definitely hadn’t meant to make a scene and wake up half the party.

 

“He had a nightmare!” Nott added, unhelpfully. “He kicked me but it’s alright now.”

 

Fjord’s gaze flitted between the two as his shoulders untensed and his grip loosened on falchion slightly, pointing the sword towards the ground.

 

“Are you sure?” Fjord makes pointed eye contact with Caleb.

 

“Yes.” Caleb mumbles out.

 

“In that case…. With no immediate threat to my person. I intend to return to sleep.” Molly salutes the rest of them, giving Fjord’s sleeve a slight tug. One that didn’t escape the notice of a sulking Caleb.

 

“Nott? Why don’t you go sleep in Jester and Beauregard’s room?” he motions quickly, Frumpkin following the motion and perching on Nott’s shoulder. “I fear Frumpkin’s in no state to be the warm cuddly companion you are used to sleeping with and I certainly don’t want to kick you again.” He knew Jester would be more than willing to let Nott rest with her, so he did not worry for Nott at all.

 

The small goblin nods quickly, patting the top of Frumpkin’s head and leaves, closing the door gently behind her.

 

* * *

 

Seething with frustration, Caleb resolves to take himself away from the inn and avoid any further disturbances. Exiting the inn at what had to be two in the morning or at least very nearly so, he makes his way out of town as unnoticeably as he could.

 

Once he reaches the forest between Trostenwald and the Ustaloch, he allows himself to relax. He knew being with others would put himself and Nott at risk, but he had allowed them to stay for far too long. They had stayed too long. They have spend far too much time in civilization and now Caleb was paying for it with something he didn’t want to bring back into his life. Feelings.

 

He’d always had them, he supposes, but keeping them on lock down as he wanders place to place seems a whole lot more convenient than getting attached. He had Nott and that was all he needed. Until now. Now he has a group of delightful, goofy, and mostly-friendly folk and it is truly scaring him to lose them. If things had gotten worse against the devil toad and his imps so much else could have happened and so much more could have gone wrong.

 

Caleb needs to be braver. He needs to become brave to protect these people who are becoming so much more important to him than any book in the world.

 

Doing the only thing he’s actually good at, Caleb pulls out a book with one hand and prepares his other for spell use.

 

“Practice, practice, practice.” he mumbles to himself and manifests ice between his fingers, shooting them with an angry force towards a reasonably distanced tree. Only a few of the shards hit, and Caleb lets out a frustrated noise and tries again. “If I can’t hit an unmoving opponent how the hell am I going to be useful in another proper fight?”

 

It’s this small clearing in the forest beside the Ustaloch that Caleb sends spell after spell to a poor unsuspecting tree late into the early morning.

 

* * *

 

Long after his magic had been completely diminished, Caleb remains in the clearing trying to draw every spare ounce of magic he doesn’t have to spare into conjuring magic he isn’t yet equipped to handle and facing more frustration than he’s felt in a long time.

 

A tap atop his shoulder is the last thing he expects after being completely alone for a good four hours. Letting out a confused shout and spinning around he finds himself face to face with Fjord.

 

“What are you doing here?” they both ask at the same time.

 

“I’m… practicing.” Caleb answers first. “Now why are you here?”

Fjord frowns. “I’m looking for you, of course. I noticed you leave early this morning but you weren’t back when I woke and it worried me.”

 

“Why?” Caleb wonders aloud.

 

“Why worry?” Fjord looks away. “You’re part of the group, y’know. I don’t want anything to happen to you and leaving alone at two in the morning with no sign of returning makes me uneasy.”

 

Caleb considers his words. “I see.” is all he has to say.

 

“What made you come out and practice til you couldn’t summon a single bit of magic, Caleb?” Fjord puts his hand on Caleb’s shoulder. The pause before Caleb speaks is palpable.

 

“I was useless.” Caleb finally admits, swaying a bit in his tiredness. “I was barely there for a second and I was knocked completely unconscious. Some wizard I am.” he scoffs, rolling his eyes. “I wish I were brave.”

 

Fjord uses his free hand to tilt the human’s chin up gently. His hands are warm. “You are brave, Caleb. You did so much and your use of Frumpkin provides something we simply wouldn’t have as a group without you. You are so talented and so incredibly brave.”

 

“I’m nothing like you, though.” Caleb argues, turning his head until Fjord’s hand is off of his chin.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Fjord replies. “You’re incredibly brave, I wish you could see it.”

 

“I’m anything but!” Caleb spits out in retaliation, taking a step backwards, shucking Fjord’s hand off of his shoulder with his motion. “You’re incredible, Fjord. You were able to take out Kylre and protect everyone in the party for so long and do so much.” Caleb falls to his knees in the grass, looking defeated. “And I’m here for… what? Reconnaissance, and not even much of it useful.” Maybe if he’d given Frumpkin better directions he could have found Kylre from above with the initial island search, but he hadn’t. “I’m learning to care for you lot and there’s nothing I can do if any of you come to harm. And here I am,” he looks up at Fjord, “letting it all out on you. I shouldn’t be doing this I should really be getting… anywhere else.”

 

Fjord watches Caleb to struggle to his feet in his exhausted state, worry for him plain as day on his face. “Let me help?” he asks, not wanting to be overbearing.

 

“...yeah.” Caleb sighs out, finally too tired to stand. Leaning against Fjord, the other easily hoists him into his arms and makes way back toward the Nestled Nook Inn.

 

* * *

 

Jerking awake, Caleb is met with a pair of yellow eyes on him and a warm hand in his as Fjord sits in a chair next to his bed.

 

“What time is it?” Caleb asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and sitting up slightly, not letting his grip loosen.

 

“Noon, or ‘bout then.” is the deep, reassuring response. “You got a good amount of sleep.”

 

“I-I did.” Caleb realizes. He’d still been woken by a nightmare, but he certainly felt more refreshed waking up now than he had since the attack. Looking at their intertwined hands nervously, Caleb loosens his grip, but doesn’t let go since Fjord didn’t exactly pull back.

 

Clearing his throat, Fjord gently starts speaking words he’d been mulling over the entire time Caleb rested. “Caleb, I don’t think you realize how important you are the all the rest of us. I can’t speak for everyone, and I really shouldn’t because they’d all be thrilled to tell you themselves, but I value your contribution to this group. Without your books we may never even have known what Kylre was or have any idea what was happening with Toya. You contribute so much and you may not see it as bravery, but I certainly do. It’s not just you who’s learning to care for all the other folk in this ragtag party, we all care about each other and you’re included. You have no idea how much it hurt to see you go down. So much was happening at once and there was nothing I could do to help, it was tearing me apart as I fought that beast, and that’s the truth.”

 

Caleb, focused intently on Fjord, finds himself reassuringly squeezing the other’s hand when he started to get choked up near the end.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. I didn’t realize, I mean…” Caleb just drifts off, figuring Fjord got the picture.

 

Fjord pulls Caleb into a hug, finding physical affection an easier way to convey emotion. “I was scared to lose you, Caleb.” He speaks carefully into the others’ hair, sure he can hear. “You mean more to me than just a party member, and the idea of never being able to tell you that nearly broke my heart. I hope we can help you so that you never feel anything but brave.”

**Author's Note:**

> i adore these two so much, thank you for reading this far, it means a lot! please leave a comment if youd like so i know what you thought :D  
> find me on tumblr at [staarplatinum](http://staarplatinum.tumblr.com/) if you wanna cry over widofjord/ fjordgast


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